Bad joke thread....

[TreyTaylorVN750]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Arizonan and a Californian . . .


A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Hualapai
Mountains, when an illegal alien ran across a clearing.

The Arizonian took careful aim, shot and killed him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"No, no... Remember... this is a Red State; it's legal here in Arizona"
replied the Arizonan.

Later that night the Californian went to Kingman to buy some beer
from Wal-Mart. He put the beer on the roof of his truck and while
he was making room behind the seat, an illegal alien ran by, grabbed
the beer, and ran away.

The Californian thought, "No problem" drew his pistol, shot and
killed him.

As he is retrieving his beer, the police came and arrested him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona!"
protested the Californian.

"Well, YEAAHH," said the cop, "...BUT, you can't use bait."

[dmyers]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Four guys have been going on the same fishing trip for several years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Ron's mates are very upset

that he can't go, but what can they do.


Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.


Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

[Aquar1234]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Retire to Alaska!

Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of
almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge,

bearded man is standing there.


'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right!

I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[Racinfan101]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Tom's in trouble! and So is Ron when he gets home!

[fishgoblue]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Those are two pretty good bad jokes.

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Had trouble sleeping last night.
Kept dreaming I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted this morning.

[ggale]

Re: Bad joke thread....

ooooo sneaky bad one.... LOL

[Aquar1234]

Re: Bad joke thread....

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

[Racinfan101]

Re: Bad joke thread....

LOL!!! That i great I love it!! I so had to swipe that and post it on my FB status.

[DaBull]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bear2123]

Re: Bad joke thread....

I've often wondered how that tradition started. I too shared it on FB so all will be informed of the little known events that started the tradition. LOL

[DaCoop]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse
appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?

Concerned that she might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles,
she overcomes
her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

[dmyers]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Ohhh Shittt!!
That was good!

[Racinfan101]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Ha!!! That was good!

[Aquar1234]

Re: Bad joke thread....

HOW CROWS GET KILLED

I heard that they found about 200 dead crows near Vancouver , and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in short order.When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck