Bad joke thread....

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Scientist revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100 percent of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
“No further testing is planned.

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

How do you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer,

an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer ?

QUESTION: You’re on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock 40 and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do ?

ANSWER:

CANADIAN POLICE OFFICER:

Firstly the officer must consider the man’s Human Rights. (they forgot: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?)

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! ‘click’…Reload…BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: ‘Nice grouping!’)

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Two brooms fall in love and decide to get married. At the reception, the bride broom wants to dance with the groom broom. While dancing, the bride broom tells the groom broom, "I want us to have a little whiskbroom." The groom broom replies to the bridebroom, "We can't, we haven't swept together yet."

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor

[dmyers]

Re: Bad joke thread....

man those jokes really belong in the bad joke thread

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A
guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always
wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads
in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day
he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for
sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed
to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about
it with the owner.
"This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you
gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty
simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside
and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain. In
fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my
tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it."
and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker.
He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's
ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his
girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's
going to meet them and figures it will make a big
impression. When
the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs
her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you
something about my parents before we go in. When we
eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who
says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle
of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the family room, another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere
he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and,
sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take
advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses
his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides
to reach over
and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but
still they keep quiet.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her
naked, and they make love right on the dinner table.
Still, no one says a word.
"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he
grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her
right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend
realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better
take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline
from his
pocket.
Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All
right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

An engineering student is walking on campus one day, when another engineer student rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a functional bike?" asked the first.
The second engineer replied: "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, spread her arms wide and said: "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly: "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

[dmyers]

Re: Bad joke thread....

[markstep]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.

"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar.

"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"

So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before.

"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off."

"And so?" asked the first flea.

"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!"

[fishgoblue]

Re: Bad joke thread....

You never know what is in your mustache when riding. LOL

[geekbiker]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Why don't boxers have sex the night before they fight?





They generally don't like each other

[Aquar1234]

Re: Bad joke thread....

Why don't boxers have sex the night before they fight?





They generally don't like each other

Excellent

[Redneckryder]

Re: Bad joke thread....

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “FUUUUUCK, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”